antrané
--
a poetic prose
big sister, i need to say-
i am sorry the change came too late. that you did not get the version of mama you deserved. i am sorry you come from a sadness i can never alleviate. that i can not give you back the lives you lost because of us. i am sorry that you did not have a big sister to hold your hand when you were scared. to spend hours just doing all the things you wanted to. to look up to. to tell you how beautiful, smart, and kind you are. i am sorry you did not have someone like you to rely on. i am sorry for the guilt. for the what-ifs. i am sorry you had to be a mom to us. and that we distracted you from having your own. i am sorry i stole your hair oils and perfumes as a kid. i just wanted to be you so bad it hurt. most days i still do. i am sorry i said you embarrassed me on move-in day. you didn’t. i am sorry i kissed your work best friend and hid it from you. i am sorry i have taken so much and given back so little. i am sorry you always had to be the bigger person. i am sorry i have not been good at being a sister.
big sister, i need to say-
i am not sorry that i know you. that i got to grew up being your sidekick. that i am still willing to dress up as your robin. i am not sorry that i never outgrew thinking you were cool. that i bragged about you working at blockbuster. about you being an artist. about your move to new york. about your haircut. i am not sorry you taught me to be grateful for my bushy brows, my pubic hair, and hair legs. that no shade of black was better than the other. i am not sorry we never called each other half-siblings. that you never taught me to hate mama. that you reminded me of all the things to love about my dad. i am not sorry you were real with me about my boy friends and sex. that you warned me about rotten apples in my friendship batch. that you were there on my first and last day of school. that you are still my role model and greatest example of a woman. i am not sorry we are sisters. that i pray in every life i am tied to you by blood and smiles.
i want to express my heartfelt gratitude to you for taking the time to read my work. it really means the world to me. feel free to clap, comment, and/or highlight; your support is genuinely valued on my end. if you are curious on how to and/or willing to further support me. you can buy me a pen. i also value good ol’ fashion word of mouth, so please feel free to share my piece and consider exploring this blog post. thank you again for reading this far.
