dysmorphophobia
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a poetic prose
how come you have never asked? i can see the way the question sits on your tongue. it has colored the thickness of it almost completely, leaving its taste in the sleekness of your cheeks and along the subtle roof ridges of your mouth. does the question taste like a mint or the well-harvested sweets found only in grandma’s purse? how heavy is it? does it make it hard to swallow? to say my name? go on, ask me. ask me how can i hate you when you are me and i am you. you think since we grew up together and will return to dust together i owe you kindness. you think since i have kept your secrets just as you have kept mine i should call you friend. yes, i know that you are me and i am you, but we are not the same. i can’t seem to accept the same truths as you. and there lies the reason why i hate you. i envy your ability to see beauty where i can not. no — i envy your ability to see the good in me, despite my cruelty.
i envy how effortlessly you exist outside of my shame. you remember all that i have forgotten or cut from myself. i don’t really hate you. i just find it hard to stomach us some days. i know my disdain has transformed me into a burden. how could it not when i have spent years defaming you, pulling at the fat of your arms and grumbling about it for days? no that’s a lie. i complained for years. cursing each mole given to you by our mother and bullying our breasts in hopes of scaring them into being bigger. i spent years wishing away your high hips and short waist. hiding your back so no one could see the white spots. i have not praised you since i first discovered my feet, back when my fist was small enough to fit in my mouth. i should thank you for still parading me like a prize even though i keep losing. i appreciate how quickly you remind me there is no safer home than the one with you. i am sorry i tried to pray you away. i intend not to do it again.
i want to express my heartfelt gratitude to you for taking the time to read my work. it really means the world to me. feel free to clap, comment, and/or highlight; your support is genuinely valued on my end. if you are curious on how to and/or willing to further support me. you can buy me a pen. i also value good ol’ fashion word of mouth, so please feel free to share my piece and consider exploring this blog post. thank you again for reading this far.
